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The IB is the smartest thing a stupid person can do...It is also the stupidest thing a smart person can do. Sort of like riding
a beaver. ~ Oscar Wilde on IB
The international baccalariate/ bacccaluraite/ bacalauriate, also known as taking it in the ass (see: hell), is a graduating
course for those students who, in their lifetime, have committed a serious sin, such as being a communist or participating
in beaver hunts. As the name suggests, this program is widely used throughout the world, and the IBO {International Baccalariate/
Baccaluraite/ Bacalauriate Organization) greatly assists this growing expansion, through the use of clever marketing tactics.
Students are told that they are "bright", "gifted" and commonly "smart" however; mostly they
can be categorized as "special." The program was started by Polish monks of the Lithuanian sect who decided that
the adolescents, with all their hip "sex, drugs and rock n' roll," should be made to suffer just as their savior,
Hamlet, son of the one true God, Shakespeare, had suffered and died upon his own sword. However, Poland had a lack of swords,
and therefore decided that forcing the teens to join a ridiculous program for no real reason would suffice. The program consists
of forcing the unsuspecting teenagers to partake in satanic rituals known as Internal Assessments and Extended Essays. It
is said that the only way to totally complete such rituals with a high mark is to sell your soul to the Devil. Finally, after
living off of interveineous caffeine for years, the student are subjected to tortures, known as the Final Exams, which they
do not feel due to the lack of sleep over the last years (hence the caffeine). Greek Philosopher, Darwin, has called the IB
the 29th circle of hell. They also have to work their butts off for no apparent reason, as the IB program does NOT assist
in college skills as they would like you to believe. Apart from randomly pre-assigned subject grades, the IB offers students
the possibility to gain extra points through many secondary activities such as: Becoming the Pope Proving the existence of
aliens Making love to the IB coordinator and the examiners Reviving a Dodo Making your very own Pokemon Exporting democracy
Funding an antiterrorist organization known as CAS Partial credit will be given to students who: Manage to touch their nose
with their toes Can bake a shit cake Become the president of the USA Who partially complete un-partial things.
What Is CAS any ways?
Oscar Wilde on CAS: CAS is a program (plan of torture worse than chocolate deprivation) mandatory for all IB Diploma
Students (a.k.a "misled Twits"). For a student about to embark on this journey (or simply has an interest in the
sadistic) Do a good deed! Expand your interests! Waste 150 hours of your lifetime! Use up all your free time! "Free time"
can be defined as time that OTHER people have. Log it all into a little book! This is CAS, where paperwork is your best friend.
CAS stands for, "Creative, Active, Service". IB students are challenged to try and better themselves and their community
by not just wasting time on their book work, but also things such as crappy poetry or a pile of horse shit encapsulated in
a plastic bubble. This is also known in some circles as "Art". Creative" Other examples of the "Creative"
section are expanding a strip dance routine at a nearby club, becoming the next Beethoven or that other one... Eminem, or
something... or was it Ray Charles? Anyway, you could also teach muffins to tap-dance, with new choreography of course or
even smack an empty plastic water bottle against your head to create a hollow noise, with the excuse that: "well no one
else thought of it"* (*NOTE: if the same activity is undertaken with bottles of a harder material, then this could be
counted as service for if one is stupid enough to take IB, the absence of their mind from the collective intelligence/ stupidity
of humankind can only be seen as a boon Active" A major component to being in the CAS program is being active, which
doesn't necessarily mean going outside, so don't worry, you won't have to look at the sun, or interact with others, any time
soon. Examples of this would twiddling your thumbs, bonding with your pillow, pelting the IBO building with rocks, or alternatively
Molotov cocktails. The choice of which would depend on whether you have been taking HL Math or not. This is also good for
service hours! Crying helplessly (but..actively) at the sad situation of your life, or rather, lack thereof is also a real
go getting kind of activity that the IB program encourages. As well, participating in the complex llama mating ritual. This
could also contribute to your IB Group 4 Science project, another form of a torture device from our beloved IBO. "Service"
This field of CAS, is very broad and open to many different forms of service, so long as it's for free, you dumb asses. The
best way is to go all out, and service the society in more ways than one; join your local whorehouse. Alternatively is your
years of IB have degenerated your genitals to the point where sexual desire is no longer present (usually replaced by empathy),
you could donate pillows to your entire IB class, as they need them as much as you do, or do something else that would bring
tears to your mom's eyes, inspire pride in your dad's heart, and leave you feeling rosy cheeked that you have done something
for mankind, animal kind, donkey kind, alien kind... just so long you weren't paid. Otherwise you're a fascist. However if
none of this interests you, you can take an alternative path, where you sleep with a few non-family members, you incestuous
retard, and get them to sign a few forms. Next, begin a novel titled "The Story of my non-existent life in the past two
years thanks to IB" detailing every second of the torture inflicted upon you. Once done, await the arrival of the sodomizing
raging goats; you deserve it for being stupid enough to start such a program. *NOTE they said "past two years" what
about us fucking idiots who started in middle school? More like past 7 years!!
IB FINAL EXAMS!!!
Quote: We IB students are the A-Listers of the Exam World
Final Exam Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.
History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively,
on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise
and specific.
Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do
not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed Aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except
Latin or Greek.
Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million
years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.
Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. The use of all quarter-tones in the human
hearing range is prohibited. Note that you will be allowed to use your 7th and 8th fingers, but not your 6th.
Mathematics: Square the circle. Be concise and show all work and calculations. Alternatively, write a general theorem
of prime numbers, citing specific proofs from Einsteinian Relativity or Abstract art.
Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed
frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Ramses II, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations
from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is necessary to translate.
Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test
your theory. Social Anthropology: Oscar Wilde once said, "Once you go black, you never go back. Do you agree with this
statement? Use examples and lynch mobs to support your answer.
Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction
manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel
necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.
English: Recite all 56,748,092,635,009,657,214,784.55679283 known quotations of Oscar Wilde.
Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the
following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects.
Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated
in your answer to the last question.
Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report, at length, its political
effects, if any.
Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.
Language: Create a new language.
Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics
on science.
Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other
kind of thought.
Chemistry: Using only saliva, a monkey, and a paperclip create the chemical compound C17H21NO4. Describe the visions sniffing
the compound gives you. Answer all remaining questions. Caution: do not trust talking pencils and/or pens.
Business & Management: Sell the chemistry student's cocaine. Making reference to the IBO's way of life, describe how
you plan to evade the taxes on such sale.
General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
ITGS: Give the social and ethical issues of having sex with a drunk busty blond robot in a dark alley.
Art: Your have 5 minutes to look at and memorize a picture of the Sistine chapel. Create a perfect replica on a 1:3 scale.
Use the marble stones and other supplies you were supposed to bring to the exam.
Geography: Using an infected syringe, a used condom, and a rabid beaver, prove the detrimental effects of AIDS on flying
monkeys. Coloring books and multi-color crayons will be supplied by the staff.
Law: Create a new ammendment and get it added to the constitution. Extra points for getting previous ammendments removed.
Astronomy: Using a magnet and a safety pin, create a medium sized black hole on your desk. Travel through the hole to
receive your test, which will be located in an undisclosed area on the planet Kashyyyk, in a universe parallel to our own.
You have 25 minutes to complete the test upon receiving it.
Theory Of Knowledge: What is the meaning of life? Be specific and concise.
Health: Touch yourself. Remember to do this with the Ways of Knowing in mind and at hand. Wink Wink.
Sports: Stand up and raise your left hand. You can also raise your right hand to get extra points. If you have no hands,
raise one of your fingers.
Computer Science: Create an algorithm to solve World Hunger. You have 20 minutes. Use of Binary code is strictly prohibited.
Religion: Write a comprehensive treatise analyzing the process by which the International Baccalaureate Organization has
successfully inculcated you with effete postmodern European atheism. Make reference to at least 50 CAS hours you were not
able to count in your total because they were performed in conjunction with a church group. If neither of these criteria describe
you, proceed to shoot yourself through the roof of the mouth because IB refuses to grant diplomas to any person of faith.
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